Post by ishtar on Mar 2, 2007 8:28:42 GMT -5
Crossposted from CAA:
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Honestly, I don't know what to say folks. I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, and somehow I've managed to get several people to say rude, mean, or unpleasant things to me (With varying degrees of rude/meanness) that are probably true, all at once. People yelling about this or that, my worrying about this deadline, that deadline....I just want to give them all the brush-off and sleep for a week.
But I can't. And what's the worst part is that voice in the back of my head that says: "Oh, you don't have problems, stop whining. STOP WHINING, you ingrate, because people are dying in Darfur, your friends are all suffering for some reason or another, and your suffering/pain is meaningless." While it may or may not be true, feeling guilty about feeling pain is a complicated and painful emotion.
But, because I need the therapy of whining about my problems, here they are, in no particular order.
It seems like some people get a kick out of tearing me apart online.
Someone I care deeply for is sad, and won't tell me why.
I'm still holding on to a grudge that won't stop reminding me why I'm still holding it.
I have trouble keeping up with some of my bills.
I only made 138 dollars for my first week of my new job, and though I'll probably get payed for this week (My second week) on Tuesday, it won't be a great deal of money anyway.
I'm low on my savings.
I miss my family (I live away from most of them by choice, but still).
I miss friends that are far away and too busy to talk much.
I'm depressed.
My relationship with God sucks, and it's my fault. It always is.
I write pathetic pieces of crap and cavort them as poetry, and although sometimes they impress people, not a single one of them could be published anywhere (And yeah, I'd like to: I could use the money).
I'm randomly filled with angst and rage.
I miss my sister, but she doesn't have much time to talk on the phone with me (She lives away from me and my family) and she's far too busy with her own problems, so I don't want to be an imposition on her, even when I need someone I love to be there.
I'm not good at my job. I'm getting better (I think) but I'm costing my boss money (not alot, but enough) and even though he knew I wasn't experienced when he offered me the job, I don't like being a charity case.
I need to see a shrink, but I can't afford it, and because I'm underage, I worry that someone in my family will pressure the doctor to reveal what I've told them, because doctor-patient confidentiality has loopholes when your underage.
I'm lonely.
I'm lustful, greedy, manipulative, and angry.
I'm intellectually weak. I used to be smarter, but I feel like I've gotten dumber.
People keep telling me the Tower Of Logos is a terrible idea, and that sucks, because I wanted to try my hand at ministry. I couldn't find a way to contribute here on CAA, so I thought I'd try my hand at this, but everybody keeps saying it's a terrible idea (And a few people who do like it don't want to join themselves). It's not an arrogant thing, guys, it's my first serious attempt at some form of ministry with a purpose.
I have moments where I feel like I've finally come out of the shadows, and God is there like the sun shining on my face, but then I mess up a second after, and the clouds come back.
I'm becoming apathetic to the human condition, particularly my own. I'm losing interest in trying to be a better christian, because all of my attempts always meet with failure.
This isn't some half-starved attempt at humility, folks. It isn't a cry for help, and it's only half a prayer request. People may agree, disagree, give that short "I'll Pray" message or read and leave unposted. But I'm tired, and I felt like confessing (Such a dramatic word) how I felt and why I may have said or done things differently (in a bad way) recently.
I'm sorry.
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Honestly, I don't know what to say folks. I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, and somehow I've managed to get several people to say rude, mean, or unpleasant things to me (With varying degrees of rude/meanness) that are probably true, all at once. People yelling about this or that, my worrying about this deadline, that deadline....I just want to give them all the brush-off and sleep for a week.
But I can't. And what's the worst part is that voice in the back of my head that says: "Oh, you don't have problems, stop whining. STOP WHINING, you ingrate, because people are dying in Darfur, your friends are all suffering for some reason or another, and your suffering/pain is meaningless." While it may or may not be true, feeling guilty about feeling pain is a complicated and painful emotion.
But, because I need the therapy of whining about my problems, here they are, in no particular order.
It seems like some people get a kick out of tearing me apart online.
Someone I care deeply for is sad, and won't tell me why.
I'm still holding on to a grudge that won't stop reminding me why I'm still holding it.
I have trouble keeping up with some of my bills.
I only made 138 dollars for my first week of my new job, and though I'll probably get payed for this week (My second week) on Tuesday, it won't be a great deal of money anyway.
I'm low on my savings.
I miss my family (I live away from most of them by choice, but still).
I miss friends that are far away and too busy to talk much.
I'm depressed.
My relationship with God sucks, and it's my fault. It always is.
I write pathetic pieces of crap and cavort them as poetry, and although sometimes they impress people, not a single one of them could be published anywhere (And yeah, I'd like to: I could use the money).
I'm randomly filled with angst and rage.
I miss my sister, but she doesn't have much time to talk on the phone with me (She lives away from me and my family) and she's far too busy with her own problems, so I don't want to be an imposition on her, even when I need someone I love to be there.
I'm not good at my job. I'm getting better (I think) but I'm costing my boss money (not alot, but enough) and even though he knew I wasn't experienced when he offered me the job, I don't like being a charity case.
I need to see a shrink, but I can't afford it, and because I'm underage, I worry that someone in my family will pressure the doctor to reveal what I've told them, because doctor-patient confidentiality has loopholes when your underage.
I'm lonely.
I'm lustful, greedy, manipulative, and angry.
I'm intellectually weak. I used to be smarter, but I feel like I've gotten dumber.
People keep telling me the Tower Of Logos is a terrible idea, and that sucks, because I wanted to try my hand at ministry. I couldn't find a way to contribute here on CAA, so I thought I'd try my hand at this, but everybody keeps saying it's a terrible idea (And a few people who do like it don't want to join themselves). It's not an arrogant thing, guys, it's my first serious attempt at some form of ministry with a purpose.
I have moments where I feel like I've finally come out of the shadows, and God is there like the sun shining on my face, but then I mess up a second after, and the clouds come back.
I'm becoming apathetic to the human condition, particularly my own. I'm losing interest in trying to be a better christian, because all of my attempts always meet with failure.
This isn't some half-starved attempt at humility, folks. It isn't a cry for help, and it's only half a prayer request. People may agree, disagree, give that short "I'll Pray" message or read and leave unposted. But I'm tired, and I felt like confessing (Such a dramatic word) how I felt and why I may have said or done things differently (in a bad way) recently.
I'm sorry.
